My cheeks are tingling, burning raw,
As the harsh scent of tea tree, fresher than mint, fills my nose,
My throat, my chest, my lungs, with every breath I take
Stripping me bare, cleansing me,
Like my insides are being rubbed clean.
The tangy taste of pomegranate is so real on my tongue
That I can see my fingers, sticky, dried and dyed red.
I breathe in,
I exhale,
Repeat.
The burning fades, an emptiness lingering in the air,
No longer thick with tea tree, just dull and flavourless.
My fingers are bare, my mind is in the present,
I am no longer sifting through age-old hallways and familiar faces.
My mouth is dry, the pomegranate gone,
Replaced my the bitter taste of stale memories.
Monday, 14 July 2014
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Dear Grandma
Dear Grandma,
I miss you, but I was a lot worse those first couple weeks in November. We were all a mess, and it was really tough on all of us.
I found some of your old journals. Well, Dad found them I guess, and they were lying around in his work room and I picked them up and started leafing through them. You had such beautiful handwriting; it was so unbelievably consistent. You wrote a lot about Niki and me, and it was clear how much you loved us. All the stuff I read was so purely positive, t made me smile but also it made me want to cry. You are truly beautiful. I admire how you have maintained such a lovely, happy outlook on life.
You always told me how nice it was to hear my voice, and would in turn reply the same. I miss your voice now, though, and I can't just phone you up like you would when you missed me. I really want to hear the sound of your voice, Grandma. I want to hear your familiar words, the words that were always so full of love and comfort.
I hope you heard me sing In Remembrance. I was singing it just for you. I kept one of the cards with your picture on it, and the lyrics that Christine put on the inside. It's a beautiful poem, and even more beautiful in song. I like to think that you were listening when we sang it. I probably sang to you a lot as a kid, but not so much recently, and I wanted you to hear me.
I miss the cards in the mail I'd get from you as well as the phone calls. It's weird that they've stopped. I keep on getting cards from Ant and Christine; they never seem to stop. The one they sent us for Christmas is hilarious; their photo is inside a snow globe on the cover and it looks like their faces are being squished by the glass. You would have laughed so hard at it, believe me. We all got a kick out of it.
Remember how Aunt Liz was starting to do scrapbooking with Christine? She probably made you a card or two. Anyway, she's continuing that--I'm getting twice as many crafty cards as I used to. She's having her baby soon. It's sad that you won't get to meet her. Kaylee would have been so, so lucky. You would have spoiled her just like you spoiled your only two grandchildren for the last 17 years. We were so lucky to have you.
Mom's having me make painted jar-candle holders as Christmas gifts, and I would have made you one. I wish I had more time to show you my sketchbook and my latest art projects. It would have been nice to talk to you more about my life and college/university and show you the pictures I took of our Finland trip and draw you a henna tattoo.
Christmas is going to be different this year. We'll still do the same stuff: gather at our place early in the morning, open presents, eat crepes and make horrible, inappropriate jokes at the table. You won;t be there, though, and we're all aware of that, and I think we're all a little nervous.
I love you lots, and I miss you so much. You're in a better place now, and I know it was your choice and you were in a lot of pain and now you're not. I want you to know that you're in my heart, and my head, and some of my poems in Writers' Craft. We all miss you and we're doing better. I hope you're happy. wherever you are.
Love,
Erin
I miss you, but I was a lot worse those first couple weeks in November. We were all a mess, and it was really tough on all of us.
I found some of your old journals. Well, Dad found them I guess, and they were lying around in his work room and I picked them up and started leafing through them. You had such beautiful handwriting; it was so unbelievably consistent. You wrote a lot about Niki and me, and it was clear how much you loved us. All the stuff I read was so purely positive, t made me smile but also it made me want to cry. You are truly beautiful. I admire how you have maintained such a lovely, happy outlook on life.
You always told me how nice it was to hear my voice, and would in turn reply the same. I miss your voice now, though, and I can't just phone you up like you would when you missed me. I really want to hear the sound of your voice, Grandma. I want to hear your familiar words, the words that were always so full of love and comfort.
I hope you heard me sing In Remembrance. I was singing it just for you. I kept one of the cards with your picture on it, and the lyrics that Christine put on the inside. It's a beautiful poem, and even more beautiful in song. I like to think that you were listening when we sang it. I probably sang to you a lot as a kid, but not so much recently, and I wanted you to hear me.
I miss the cards in the mail I'd get from you as well as the phone calls. It's weird that they've stopped. I keep on getting cards from Ant and Christine; they never seem to stop. The one they sent us for Christmas is hilarious; their photo is inside a snow globe on the cover and it looks like their faces are being squished by the glass. You would have laughed so hard at it, believe me. We all got a kick out of it.
Remember how Aunt Liz was starting to do scrapbooking with Christine? She probably made you a card or two. Anyway, she's continuing that--I'm getting twice as many crafty cards as I used to. She's having her baby soon. It's sad that you won't get to meet her. Kaylee would have been so, so lucky. You would have spoiled her just like you spoiled your only two grandchildren for the last 17 years. We were so lucky to have you.
Mom's having me make painted jar-candle holders as Christmas gifts, and I would have made you one. I wish I had more time to show you my sketchbook and my latest art projects. It would have been nice to talk to you more about my life and college/university and show you the pictures I took of our Finland trip and draw you a henna tattoo.
Christmas is going to be different this year. We'll still do the same stuff: gather at our place early in the morning, open presents, eat crepes and make horrible, inappropriate jokes at the table. You won;t be there, though, and we're all aware of that, and I think we're all a little nervous.
I love you lots, and I miss you so much. You're in a better place now, and I know it was your choice and you were in a lot of pain and now you're not. I want you to know that you're in my heart, and my head, and some of my poems in Writers' Craft. We all miss you and we're doing better. I hope you're happy. wherever you are.
Love,
Erin
Monday, 23 September 2013
Fuck
Fuck this fuck everything fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK
never ever EVER under ANY circumstances, scroll through facebook chat history. It will NEVER end well. You will end up overemotional and afterwards you have to keep reminding yourself that the other person did not scroll through wkth you, so they are in a completely different mondset that you, or than how they were during those facebook chats all that time ago.
Dont do it. Just dont.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Ugh
Fuck my life.
I am so frusterated, i want to take a pen and ink angry words all over my skin because i dont know how to get rid of the tension and stress and regret that is bubbling up in my chest.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
It's raining.
I mean, it's pouring.
I can hear it coming down like buckets, the snaps of it hitting the pavement and the sidewalk and the house and the cars. It sounds like a croud of people snapping their fingers.
I don't know if it's a good kind of rain or a bad kind of rain. Sometimes when it rains, there's this dark, gloomy, forboding feeling that comes with it. Sometimes it's beautiful, purifying, clean rain that brings a feeling of peace. I don't know wich one it is tonight. I don't know what my feelings are, therefore I don't know what kind of reflection the rain makes of them.
It's kind of nice, actually. I'm not worrying as much as normal, I'm just waiting to feel something.
Just waiting.
I can hear it coming down like buckets, the snaps of it hitting the pavement and the sidewalk and the house and the cars. It sounds like a croud of people snapping their fingers.
I don't know if it's a good kind of rain or a bad kind of rain. Sometimes when it rains, there's this dark, gloomy, forboding feeling that comes with it. Sometimes it's beautiful, purifying, clean rain that brings a feeling of peace. I don't know wich one it is tonight. I don't know what my feelings are, therefore I don't know what kind of reflection the rain makes of them.
It's kind of nice, actually. I'm not worrying as much as normal, I'm just waiting to feel something.
Just waiting.
Monday, 30 April 2012
everything is falling appart
Fuck.
How did my life get this complicated? Just at the beginning of this school year I was so innocent and unknowing. No one had ever caused me to feel so much emotional pain before and my heart had never been broken.
God, that sounds cheesy. The whole "broken heart" thing. I really hate how studpid it sounds but its true.
But yeah, recently my life has taken a turn to the hormonal teen crap side of things, and now I have to deal with so many more things, like relationships, drugs and self-harm. It's funny because back in nineth grade, I hadn't given any of these things a second thought; they didn't exist in my word. It feels like so long ago. Boy, did we have it easy back then.
Anyway, this post is about relationships. In particular, my mess of a relationship.
We started dating back in december and it was a bit weird because we had been best friends for the last year. We was kind of adorable and all of our friends were glad that we had finally gotten together because it was obvious that we were "meant for eachother." We were a bit awkward at first (mainly because of me; since it was weird for my change from friendly to romantic).
January and February were probably our happiest months because of Ski Club. Ski Club was the place where we became friends in ninth grade and I felt more at home with him on the ski hills, in the lodge and on the bus rides home. You could say we grew closer and I felt more comforetable with our relationship. We had our first kiss sometime during the beginning of Ski Club too. It was our place and we were surrounded by our friends who didn't judge us and it was just so carefree and fun and nice.
Ski club came to an end in early March and we no longer had out own little place or our usual afternoons to spend together. He was always busy with band and we didn't get much time together. That's when things started falling appart.
I found out that people were talking behind my back about our relationship and how everyone thought I wasn't "treating him right." That makes it sound like I was being a bitch to him, but that's not how it was. It was more like I wasn't paying enough attention to him. My friend told me that I needed to make him know that I cared. So I tried. I tried to find little ways to let him know that I cared about him.
It's my fault, really; it's just the way I am. I'm shy, reserved, easily embarassed, self-concious... It's horrible, that's why I suck at being in relationships. Actually, this is my first relationship and it's not going well. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm clueless.
Anyway, continuing in chronological order. He went away for about a week and when he came back things had changed. He seemed sadder, didn't talk to me as much and acted distant. I learned that he talked shit about me to our friends and that he didn't think I cared about him.
So I found little oppertunities to let him know that I cared about him, but it was difficult, with my awkwardness and all. Now it just feels like we're only loosely held together and we could just break appart so very easily.
Now, moving on to recently.
I just found out that he has been cutting himself again. I knew that he used to, because he talked to me about it and I helped him htrough it. In fact, back in jabuary, he told me that I was the reason he stopped cutting himself.
But here's the catch.
He's started cutting again, and he tells people that I'm the reason why he cuts himself.
Yes, that's right. Because he doesn't think I care about him. But I do care about him and I tell him that but for some reason he just wants to believe that I don't give a shit about him. I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost. What he did, what he is doing, is hurting me really bad. It actually pains me to know what he does and says about me. Will I ever be "good enough" for him? When did our relationship become so terrible?
I don't know what I can do.
I need help. I need a way out of this situation. SOS.
How did my life get this complicated? Just at the beginning of this school year I was so innocent and unknowing. No one had ever caused me to feel so much emotional pain before and my heart had never been broken.
God, that sounds cheesy. The whole "broken heart" thing. I really hate how studpid it sounds but its true.
But yeah, recently my life has taken a turn to the hormonal teen crap side of things, and now I have to deal with so many more things, like relationships, drugs and self-harm. It's funny because back in nineth grade, I hadn't given any of these things a second thought; they didn't exist in my word. It feels like so long ago. Boy, did we have it easy back then.
Anyway, this post is about relationships. In particular, my mess of a relationship.
We started dating back in december and it was a bit weird because we had been best friends for the last year. We was kind of adorable and all of our friends were glad that we had finally gotten together because it was obvious that we were "meant for eachother." We were a bit awkward at first (mainly because of me; since it was weird for my change from friendly to romantic).
January and February were probably our happiest months because of Ski Club. Ski Club was the place where we became friends in ninth grade and I felt more at home with him on the ski hills, in the lodge and on the bus rides home. You could say we grew closer and I felt more comforetable with our relationship. We had our first kiss sometime during the beginning of Ski Club too. It was our place and we were surrounded by our friends who didn't judge us and it was just so carefree and fun and nice.
Ski club came to an end in early March and we no longer had out own little place or our usual afternoons to spend together. He was always busy with band and we didn't get much time together. That's when things started falling appart.
I found out that people were talking behind my back about our relationship and how everyone thought I wasn't "treating him right." That makes it sound like I was being a bitch to him, but that's not how it was. It was more like I wasn't paying enough attention to him. My friend told me that I needed to make him know that I cared. So I tried. I tried to find little ways to let him know that I cared about him.
It's my fault, really; it's just the way I am. I'm shy, reserved, easily embarassed, self-concious... It's horrible, that's why I suck at being in relationships. Actually, this is my first relationship and it's not going well. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm clueless.
Anyway, continuing in chronological order. He went away for about a week and when he came back things had changed. He seemed sadder, didn't talk to me as much and acted distant. I learned that he talked shit about me to our friends and that he didn't think I cared about him.
So I found little oppertunities to let him know that I cared about him, but it was difficult, with my awkwardness and all. Now it just feels like we're only loosely held together and we could just break appart so very easily.
Now, moving on to recently.
I just found out that he has been cutting himself again. I knew that he used to, because he talked to me about it and I helped him htrough it. In fact, back in jabuary, he told me that I was the reason he stopped cutting himself.
But here's the catch.
He's started cutting again, and he tells people that I'm the reason why he cuts himself.
Yes, that's right. Because he doesn't think I care about him. But I do care about him and I tell him that but for some reason he just wants to believe that I don't give a shit about him. I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost. What he did, what he is doing, is hurting me really bad. It actually pains me to know what he does and says about me. Will I ever be "good enough" for him? When did our relationship become so terrible?
I don't know what I can do.
I need help. I need a way out of this situation. SOS.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
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