everything is falling appart

Fuck.

How did my life get this complicated? Just at the beginning of this school year I was so innocent and unknowing. No one had ever caused me to feel so much emotional pain before and my heart had never been broken.

God, that sounds cheesy. The whole "broken heart" thing. I really hate how studpid it sounds but its true.

But yeah, recently my life has taken a turn to the hormonal teen crap side of things, and now I have to deal with so many more things, like relationships, drugs and self-harm. It's funny because back in nineth grade, I hadn't given any of these things a second thought; they didn't exist in my word. It feels like so long ago. Boy, did we have it easy back then.

Anyway, this post is about relationships. In particular, my mess of a relationship.

We started dating back in december and it was a bit weird because we had been best friends for the last year. We was kind of adorable and all of our friends were glad that we had finally gotten together because it was obvious that we were "meant for eachother." We were a bit awkward at first (mainly because of me; since it was weird for my change from friendly to romantic).

January and February were probably our happiest months because of Ski Club. Ski Club was the place where we became friends in ninth grade and I felt more at home with him on the ski hills, in the lodge and on the bus rides home. You could say we grew closer and I felt more comforetable with our relationship. We had our first kiss sometime during the beginning of Ski Club too. It was our place and we were surrounded by our friends who didn't judge us and it was just so carefree and fun and nice.

Ski club came to an end in early March and we no longer had out own little place or our usual afternoons to spend together. He was always busy with band and we didn't get much time together. That's when things started falling appart.

I found out that people were talking behind my back about our relationship and how everyone thought I wasn't "treating him right." That makes it sound like I was being a bitch to him, but that's not how it was. It was more like I wasn't paying enough attention to him. My friend told me that I needed to make him know that I cared. So I tried. I tried to find little ways to let him know that I cared about him.

It's my fault, really; it's just the way I am. I'm shy, reserved, easily embarassed, self-concious... It's horrible, that's why I suck at being in relationships. Actually, this is my first relationship and it's not going well. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm clueless.

Anyway, continuing in chronological order. He went away for about a week and when he came back things had changed. He seemed sadder, didn't talk to me as much and acted distant. I learned that he talked shit about me to our friends and that he didn't think I cared about him.

So I found little oppertunities to let him know that I cared about him, but it was difficult, with my awkwardness and all. Now it just feels like we're only loosely held together and we could just break appart so very easily.

Now, moving on to recently.
I just found out that he has been cutting himself again. I knew that he used to, because he talked to me about it and I helped him htrough it. In fact, back in jabuary, he told me that I was the reason he stopped cutting himself.

But here's the catch.
He's started cutting again, and he tells people that I'm the reason why he cuts himself.
Yes, that's right. Because he doesn't think I care about him. But I do care about him and I tell him that but for some reason he just wants to believe that I don't give a shit about him. I don't know what to do.

I feel so lost. What he did, what he is doing, is hurting me really bad. It actually pains me to know what he does and says about me. Will I ever be "good enough" for him? When did our relationship become so terrible?

I don't know what I can do.

I need help. I need a way out of this situation. SOS.

Sleep is not an option

There is no point in falling asleep. fuck my life

Inspiration

I love the feeling of being inspired, but I hate not being able to channel my inspiration into something more.
It's frusterating, the amount of unique ideas, feelings and emotions that go to waste because we can't find the words or put them into something concrete. Right now, writing on this new blog, I'm trying to grasp those undescribable things and transform them into something, something, that I can look back on.

Because some days I feel so unexplicably happy and joyful and satisfied with my life that I want to shout it out to the world. There are some moments when I'm wth my friends and suddenly it just hits me: how amazing I feel, how hard I'm laughing, how much I love these people and just how lost I would feel without them.

But also because some days I feel so emotionally unstable and alone that I just want to lock myyetself in my room and cry and listen to sad Taylor Swift songs over and over again. Those sad days when I'm heartbroken yet so inspired that I feel like I could write a song or a novel or paint a masterpiece, but I'm too confused to actually do any of that productive stuff.

I believe that all of those of moments, good or bad, can lead to something incredible. Weither I'm experiencing heartbreak or jumping for joy, my emotions are conflicting inside of me and I know that what I'm feeling is something powerful and passionate and I want to put those feeling down somewhere or create something with them.

Living in the moment, it's difficult to appreciate that kind of inspiration because it's only temporary and when it's gone, so is the oppertunity to use that inspiration.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the beautiful moments that trigger strong feelings and lead to creation are too precious to ignore, and you have to catch them before they slip away.